Robin

2. Comment here with your answers and repost the questionnaire on your own journal, for your friends to fill out. :)

01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
27) Do you believe in ghosts?
28) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
29) Do you swear a lot?
30) Biggest pet peeve?
31) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
32) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
33) Favourite and least favourite food?
34) Do you believe in God?
35) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

I feel like it's my fault even though I know logically that it's not, that things like this happen all the time, that I'm more likely to experience this at least once during my lifetime than to not.

I'm angry.  Angry that it happened to me.  Angry that it didn't happen to others.  Angry at myself for feeling like this at all.

And I'm scared that it will happen again.  I've always been scared that it would happen, but now I feel a bit less like I'm being paranoid and a bit more like I'm just being a realist.

I've already stayed home from work for the last 2 days.  Tom's made me promise that I'll go in tomorrow, but all I want to do is hide from the world.

Current Mood:

depressed

We started the day with some mishaps, hair appointments starting a bit late and taking longer than they should have, causing us to miss one of our 2 scheduled makeup appointments at the MAC counter  (mine :( ), no one except Jess getting the hairstyle they asked for (mine was awful!!!) and the other bridesmaids getting their makeup done even though they didn't have appointments so we were definitely rushing to get to the church and get dressed on time.  My makeup turned out horrible so I washed my face and did it myself (never going to Sephora again, for sure) and part way through the reception I took down part of my hair and fixed it myself too.  I just wish I would've done it before the ceremony :(.

The ring bearer and flower girl were adorable and I think there may be a little love connection there.  They're both 5, but they were together they whole day having a blast and I heard one of them suggest skinny dipping (didn't call it that though) to the other, LOL.  They also slow danced together.

One thing that was great was how well the different groups of people meshed together.  

Just as I was starting to get sad that this was the last wedding I'd be involved in for a long time (if anyone else ever asks me to be in one again), the wedding photographer, who was also my wedding photographer, asked if I'd be interested in second shooting a wedding with her!!!  I'm so excited!!!  She also had a client who was looking for someone to do day of coordination, not necessarily with a lot of experience, but someone who's organized and good at keeping things on schedule.  Dana said she wanted to recommend me, but thought she should ask first to find out if I'd even be interested.  I totally am!  So, she's going to see if  that girl's still looking and recommend me if anyone else asks.  Yay!

Acrocyanosis

And I don't have to do anything for it.  In fact, the possible treatments are as follows:

Reassurance
Gloves/slippers 
Avoidance of exposure to cold 
Cease smoking
Alpha blocker drugs and calcium channel blocker drugs 

I don't have the profuse sweating part (thank goodness!), just the cold blue part.  So, apparently all I need is reassurance that there's nothing really wrong.  Ha.  The alpha blockers and calcium channel blockers are to control the sweating, so don't really need those...

The cardiologist still wants to run a TEE to make 100% certain it's not anything with my heart, but he's 99% sure it's acrocyanosis.  So, while I can breathe a huge sigh of relief right now, I'll feel much better after I get the results of the TEE on the 15th.

Best part is I'm allowed to exercise again!!!

My doctor told me he wanted to get me in to see the cardiologist ASAP and have the test results of the TEE by the end of the week.  Well, the earliest the cardiologist can get me in is the 30th.  That's 2.5 weeks!  And it's just for a regular office visit.  No test.  So I'll probably have to wait a while after that visit to get in for the test.
I called my family doctor back to ask if I need to avoid alcohol while I'm waiting to find out what's wrong (I have Jess's  bachelorette party this weekend) and they closed at 11!  Are you freaking kidding me?!

I'm not in a good mood right now. 

Oh, and the cardiologist that my family doctor spoke to isn't even the one I'll be seeing.  What the hell was the point of that?!

I had my follow up visit to go over my test results with the doctor today.  Everything came back picture perfect.  I already knew that the echo and pulse ox had looked good because they told me while they were doing them that they did.  I figured the blood work would too.  I'm in tip top shape...except for the cyanosis.  I kind of thought the doctor would just say something like, ok, everything's fine, I have no idea why your lips and nailbeds turn blue, but everything looks good so we're not going to worry about it.

Didn't happen.

He said he suspects that I have an atrial septal defect (ASD), something that's hard to catch on a transthoracic echo (think baby sonogram, but of your heart instead of your uterus) so he wants me to have a transesophogeal echo (think swallowing a giant ultrasound thing under sedation) and he's referred me to a cardiologist.

I'm terrified.  Of the test.  Of having a heart defect.

He said if it is an ASD, it's fixable and doesn't necessarily pose an immediate threat, but it's something that could cause a huge problem later in life (like 60's) if it's not taken care of and he wants to see it fixed sooner rather than later.  On the bright side, it no longer requires open heart surgery to fix it and it would be totally fixable.

Kulzer called while I was at my appointment.  He was the one who recommended this doctor since he did a rotation with him.  I called him back and told him what the doctor said.  He doesn't seem to think it's an ASD, but he wouldn't say what he thought it was.  I got the feeling that he thought it was something not as bad, but I don't know.  He said I should listen to what the doctor said.  No exercise until we figure out what, if anything, is wrong with my heart.

Right as I was leaving the appointment my mom called to see if I wanted to go to curves.  I made up an excuse.  I can't deal with telling her about this right now.

This doesn't go well with my anxiety disorder.  I'm now having dull phantom chest pains.  I know it's just anxiety.  I just hope I can stop it from becoming a full on panic attack where I'm sure that I'm dying.

Current Mood:

scared

Wow, what a timely email to receive from SparkPeople.com (my current favorite website that I highly recommend everyone checks out)!  Ok, I guess since I have generalized anxiety it would seem timely on pretty much any day, but today seems particularly fitting since I spent the majority of last night lying awake worrying.

My doctor has ordered some tests for me (echocardiogram, pulse ox and blood work) to try to find out why my lips/fingernail beds have been turning blue (cyanosis) for apparently no reason.  Seriously, who doesn't get enough oxygen while sitting/standing still but not when working out?!  I feel fine when it happens and he was unable to hear anything wrong with my heart or lungs at my exam, but he wants to get a look at my heart to make sure there aren't any deformities that he's unable to hear.

It's probably going to end up being nothing.  I know this.  I know that I'm the picture of good health right now other than this blue lip thing.  Since starting back up with Spark I've been doing really well with working out for 30 minutes 6-7 times a week and eating well, not just within my calorie range, but nutritionally balanced!  Knowing all of this doesn't stop me from worrying though.

I just need to remember that no matter what these tests show, worrying about it now won't change anything.

Current Mood:

worried

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A.
2) What was your dream growing up?
A.
3) What talent do you wish you had?
A.
4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A.
5) Favorite vegetable?
A.
6) What was the last book you read?
A.
7) What zodiac sign are you?
A.
8) Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
A.
9) Worst habit?
A.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A.
11) What is your favorite sport?
A.
12) Do you have a negative or optimistic attitude?
A.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A.
16) Do you have any pets?
A.
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A.
18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)
A.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A.
22) What color eyes do you have?
A.
23) Ever been arrested?
A.
24) Bottle or can soda?
A.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A.
27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A.
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A.
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A.
30) Do you swear a lot?
A.
31) Biggest pet peeve?
A.
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A.
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A.
35) Do you believe in God?
A.
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A.

January